Thursday, February 10, 2011


I don't know that I have ever truly been in shock before. I can't remember the last time something happened where I felt like I had been one hundred percent surprised. I am usually so inquisitive and nosy, that I feel like I have a "premonition" before something is going to happen. However, last Friday, I received a phone call that I NEVER thought I would receive. I didn't even imagine it ever happening. I didn't think it was even a possibility.

I am crazy. I make up ALL SORTS of scenarios in my head. I mean, seriously people are dead before they are born, I have people hired and fired the same day, I expect the worst. I mean honestly, I am a glass is half empty kind of girl, and I am pleasantly surprised when things turn out a little differently. I don't like this about myself, and I would LOVE to change it, I am certain it would help to alleviate some of the immense stress I feel like I am constantly under.

I don't know if one is supposed to feel more tired than they ever have in their entire life when they are in shock. Yesterday, I considered driving myself to the hospital and committing myself to the loony bin-JUST SO THAT I COULD SLEEP! I think I was more tired yesterday than when I had mono. My mind is constantly racing. I am not certain I am even really paying attention to anyone else who might be talking to me. I feel like I just walk around in a daze! I know I am tired. I am one hundred percent, without a doubt, identical to a toddler when I am tired. I start crying about everything. The thought of making dinner last night was so insurmountable that I just laid in bed and cried at 4 in the afternoon. I was curled up under the covers crying because I didn't want to make dinner. Very similar to a toddler who cries because they don't want to get dressed, don't like the breakfast that was served to them, etc. I fully admit it is completely and totally insane. Leave all the negative comments you want, I know it is crazy.

Almost a week later, and I still can't really wrap my head around it. I don't let my mind go there very often, and I have kept VERY BUSY this week to make sure that my mind doesn't go there. But when it does, it is a deep dark pit of despair, and I don't know how I am going to get out. I am angry, sad, and sick to my stomach all at the same time.


Katie Thomson said...

Yup, Yup and Yup. Totally understand.

Anonymous said...

Never thought I would see that day either

Anonymous said...

Maybe you would feel better and give the best of yourself to your family if you could speak with a counselor, etc about all of this. Get it all out and then get some suggestions/tools on how to cope with this characteristic. You shouldn't have to drop into a 'pit of dispair' and not know how to get out. If nothing ever changes, then nothing ever changes.

Karen said...

Oh my gosh! Are you ok? I haven't been on the blogs in a while ... I'm just catching up now. I hope you are doing alright - get some rest.