Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Chronic Pain

For over two years now, I have been dealing with the same back pain, side pain, all around right side of the body pain. Some days are better than others, it is always there, my right side never feels one hundred percent. I don't know what it is going to be like when I wake up, the pain can vary in degrees from moment to moment.

I am not myself anymore. I stray away from having people over or hanging out because I don't know if I will feel alright, and the idea of having to have my house ready for people to come over is exhausting. I don't think I am the best mom I can be to my kids. I am irritable all the time due to (1) the pain (2) not knowing what it is and wondering what it is. I don't think I am the best wife. Some days my mind gets the best of me, and I am convinced that I am slowly dying. I am the first to say yes to a glass or two of wine because it takes the edge off if even just for a moment. I just don't like the person I have become.

I have made a conscious effort to avoid doctors at all costs because of the cost and it's not how I want to spend my days when my kids are at school. I persued many invasive procedures a year ago, and they didn't find anything, so I have decided that I must be insane. I don't talk about the pain often since I don't go to doctors I don't really think I have the right to complain, so I am sure people forget, but I feel like it is five hundred times harder for me to do everything. I am constantly tired, but when people ask me how I am feeling, I just say fine. I mean, do you really want to be friends with someone who complains all the time? I would do just about anything to make the pain go away. I am so very tired.


Micaila said...

Colleen, I'm so sorry that you feel crappy all the time. I wish I had some advice, remedy or recommendation to take it away. All I can offer is my prayers for a resolution and for you to know that people care, and you ARE allowed to complain!

Anonymous said...

Colleen, I just am sorry at your chronic pain. No one really understands unless they have it too...believe me. Please don't take this wrong...I swear I have your best interest at heart....I know suffering on a daily basis....but please don't drink to mask your pain. You will, in the future, have a bigger problem than your physical pain. You are worth much more to your children!

Anonymous said...

I am sorry you have been in so much pain and I hope you do not give up on resolving it for you and your family. Your quality of life is worth all the dr. visits necessary to get to the bottom of it. I am worried you don't give your friends enough credit...that or maybe you don't really see them as your friends. When you push people away they often do just that...go away. That is a two way street too. When you pull away and don't trust or confide you are non-verballly telling them the quality of their relationship with them and that they cannot come to you when they need a friend. Your indirectly not being honest with them. They, your friends, have likely stoped trying to figure you out or help. Sure, there is not much they can do but listen and let you know you are not the alone. And when you do find the resolve in all of it they will also enjoy celebrating with you. I hope you rethink your justification of your decision to exclude them before it is too late.